This is the first time I’ve spoken about this, or rather written about this to anyone. But basically I’ve spent quite a lot of time in a toxic relationship. I split up with the father of my children a few years ago and last year met another guy. He started out being really lovely, but over time became pretty horrible and toxic to be with.
I felt he became menacing and intimidating and turned me into a nervous wreck. I lost weight, I gained weight and I spent my life in terror. He never actually did anything physically, but I suspect what he did would count as emotional abuse. Although I have to be fair here and also say that I am quite brittle as a person and what I see is abuse other people would actually see as just the normal ups and downs of being with somebody.
So this year started out being quite tough for me. I also lost my Nan a few months ago and that hit me hard. It made me think about my mum, and how old she is getting, and I’m waiting for the day when that tragedy knocks me flying. Anyway, it made me realize I have to change things now, rather than letting them drag on, so I ditched the man. It was tough in the beginning, but in a few weeks I felt a lot better about it.
I am not slandering him, I am thankful for what we had but I am thankful that I am not in that situation anymore.
Sometimes all it takes is a small trigger to change your life, and although as you seen from my previous blog post I am under a lot of pressure and stress in my daily life, I actually feel free being on my own now. Little things like buying a MacBook myself, or an iPhone, or updating my clothes, without having to answer to someone is really rewarding for me.
So you may be is a prize to know that I’m a little excited about meeting a new man. When I say meeting a new man, we are not actually dating, but there is this great new guy at work and he is showing a real interest in me. I’m feeling all those feelings that I haven’t had for quite a while and it’s making me feel really positive. I’m hoping he asked me out on a date, and I’m also feeling bit stupid the thinking like that as I’m a 21st-century woman who should feel in control of her life enough to ask him out should I want to.
Why do us girls demand equality but then expect to act within inequality when it suits us?